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Does ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ Make Any Sense Whatsoever? (And 25 Other Urgent Questions)

Transformers 4 review
Paramount Pictures

So, a fourth ‘Transformers’ movie is coming out this week. It will make a ton of money. This ‘Transformers’ movie, titled ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction,’ stars Mark Wahlberg (‘The Big Hit’) as an inventor… You know what, it doesn’t matter! But, we still answered every question that you could possibly have about ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction.’

Q: Does ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ make any sense whatsoever?

A: Ha.

Q: What is Sam Witwicky up to this time?

A: Shia LeBeouf’s Sam Witwicky is not in ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction,’ nor is he mentioned in any capacity. The main human character this time around is Cade Yeager, played by Mark Wahlberg.

Q: ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ has been called a reboot. Is it a reboot?

A: No. The Transformers just hang out with different people now.

Q: Are you going to now name your first born child Cade Yeager?

A: Yes.

Q: What is Cade Yeager’s occupation in ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’?

A: Cade Yeager is an inventor.

Q: Wait, what? What does he invent?

A: Cade Yeager has invented a robot dog, among some other nonsense.

Q. Anyway, what does Cade Yeager have to do with the Transformers?

A: Cade Yeager is broke because his inventions are dumb, but he buys an old truck from a movie theater owner (long story) that he plans on disassembling and selling for used parts…

Q: But he thinks he “just found a Transformer”?

A: As we now know from the now forever famous commercials, it’s Optimus Prime. His daughter, Tessa (Nicola Peltz) and wise-cracking buddy, Lucas (the funny T.J. Miller, who is sadly not in this movie near enough), try to convince him to turn it over to the government for a $100,000 bounty.

Q: Which makes a lot of sense.

A: Right. But Cade, being an inventor, wants to figure out how Transformers work to help make his inventions better in the future, or something. Anyway, chaos ensues.

Q: At some point during ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction,’ does Mark Wahlberg explain how magnets work?

A: Yes.

Q: Why is there a government bounty for any Transformers?

A: After the events of ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon,’ a secret bounty was put on all Transformers thanks to the destruction done to Chicago. A CIA operative named Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer) is in charge of a group that hunts down the Transformers and kills them whether that Transformer happens to be an Autobot or a Decepticon.

Q: Do they destroy Chicago again in ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’?

A: Yes.

Q: What does this CIA team use to kill the Transformers that they find?

A: A Transformer named Lockdown.

Q: What? How does that make any sense?

A: It doesn’t make any sense. This movie makes no sense! But Lockdown seems to be more of a mercenary who agrees to help the CIA in exchange for Optimus Prime, whenever they may find him.

Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction,’ what quote do you hope is used?

A: “This movie makes no sense!” – Mike Ryan, ScreenCrush.com

Q: What does the CIA do with the carcasses of the Transformers that they have killed?

A: They sell the bodies of dead Transformers to Stanley Tucci’s tech entrepreneur, Joshua Joyce, who has a goal of building his own Transformers with a new element he found named Transformium.

Q: I honestly can’t tell if that’s made up or not.

A: That is an actual plot point and an actual word used in this movie.

Q: Is Stanley Tucci the best thing about ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’?

A: He is.

Q: Wait, John Goodman voices a Transformer?

A: He does and I’m sure he will fondly remember doing so every time he visits the new ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ wing of his house.

Q: Did you at all enjoy ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’?

A: The first hour is actually pretty fun.

Q: What’s the worst part about ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’?

A: The subplot about Cade Yeager’s daughter dating a racecar driver named Shane Dyson (Jack Reynor). Honestly, the world is ending all around these three people as giant robots shoot at each other and they spend an awful lot of time arguing about this relationship. Nobody cares.

Q: But, hey: Dinobots, right!

A: Oh, yeah, the Dinobots — which are plastered over every bit of advertising for ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction,’ yet are barely in the movie. They get maybe 15 minutes of screen time in a movie that is 2 hours and 45 minutes long.

Q: Should I see ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’?

A: As an enjoyable, coherent movie? No. As a spectacle of nonsense the likes you’ve never seen before since … well, since the last ‘Transformers’ movie? Yes. Every American should be forced to watch these movies. It’s our real-life version of The Purge.

Q: At how many points during ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ did you think to yourself, You know, I think I’ve seen enough movies for a lifetime?

A: Twice.

Q: What’s the best piece of advice for watching ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’?

A: When you are thinking to yourself, This feels like it might be ending soon, keep in mind the entire third act takes plays out in China and when you just had that thought, they aren’t in China yet.

Q: Wait, I have a 26th question….

A: Too bad, we’re done here.

Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and GQ. He is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

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